I thought I had it in me to cheer myself up when I'm down...turns out,I don't.
I do get into a "I-feel-so-crappy" phase once in a while...but its never been this l-o-n-g.
I think I'm turning into this perpetual brooder just like Arunava....and I can so figure what people usually say when they see me in college these days...Oh!there goes the brooder...gawd!why the hell can't she stop sulking??
And I totally understand...hell!I would have probably said the same thing if I it wasn't me.
But the point is however much may I try,its not working this time.
It feels as though I'm precariously dangling from a cliff...and I can't clamber up...
But,I'm really trying,you know...
Will someone lend me a hand?

I've never been this annoyed with myself as I am now...
I can't believe I'm putting myself through so much pain...
If I were someone else,I would have bloody well wrung his neck or done something equally sinful..I swear.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................:(

I hate it when the voice inside my head starts whispering things I don't want to hear...things I pretend never happennened to me...but it still does...all the fucken time...
I hate it even more when it starts dictating things for me...

It happenned today...all of a sudden..
It made me feel like puking... made me so nauseated...so claustrophobic...desperately wanted that voice to shut up,wanted it to stop telling me what I'm supposed to do...but I couldn't..
It's still throbbing inside my head...

And somewhere I hear someone calling out for me ...
I try looking up...
I can't see anything...everything appears so blurred and obscure...so mundane...
hold me tight..I'm falling.
hold me back so that I don't drift away from you.

I want to watch Being Cyrus.
Anyone wants to come along???

Time's surely changing...

dada mailed...AGAIN!!! Opened my inbox and hey presto!Big bro has replied back!
dada replying within a month's time is somewhat like me sitting down to study on a sunday morning or me waking up at 7 in the morning or maa not lecturing me on responsibilities...
you get the picture...very much unexpected so much so that you think something's going terribly wrong somewhere~!!!
I was bloody happy the last time he mailed....but this time its a different feeling altogether.You bet I'm happy but its something more than sheer happiness.Its a feeling of being loved...a realisation that he actually took off a good 10 minutes from his very very busy schedule to reply back(family news has it that the bloke is working his ass off to get a promotion)
so there!li'l sister is drunk with happiness.She has already indulged in a "sinfully rich"chocolate icecream with nuts and caramel and is all set to have a sumptuous dinner and then a good night's sleep...old habits really die hard!!!!
tra-la-la-la-la...toodle doo..................................................................

I had some very generalised pre-conceived notions about bangla theatre...that it is fast decaying...that the charm it had had on its potential audience some decades back is seriously lacking today.blah!blah!blah!
I watched Winkle Twinkle(written and directed by Bratya Basu)in Academy today and I've still not recovered from the effect it had on me.The show had a house full-the tickets were all sold out.Infact,a serpentine que of bhadroloks had to be turned away.And when I say house full I don't mean those hujuge bangalis who probably go to the fair and theatre with pretty much the same mentality...The audience(mostly comprising the 20 to 40 age bracket)had a definite understanding of what theatre is...they laughed,they cheered,they clapped and even stayed silent where they deemed it necessary.
Maybe it was because of my misconceptions and my unconscious tendency to undermine bangla theatre that I got a real blow today.The dialogues are still reverberating inside my head and I can't get over the fact that I've wasted a good deal of time and money watching stupid,imbecile movies when I could have spent it on bhalo bhalo natok.
Who says bangla theatre is doomed?With people like Bratya Basu making such soul stirring plays and hundreds of people still lining up before the ticket counter,bangla theatre is definitely here to stay...
[p.s:-I thank S for giving me this opportunity to change my notions about bangla theatre]

I just realised that I'm doing a lot of things in college except that one thing that I've been sent there for-studying.I don't really remember going to the library(no wonder the librarian gives me that quizzical look everytime I go in there...as if I'm an alien and don't really belong there.w.t.f....I don't...I'm a complete misfit...oi mota mota boigulo dekhlei jar eshe jai)and the worst bit is that I have an internal this wednesday(I still have a week and hope against hope that i'd be able to finish the syllabus)and I'm all set to screw this one big time:(
I have no idea how people manage to stay so cool after screwing their internals.I've seen people get a meagre 0.15 out of 5...and I've seen people get a whoping 4.25 out of 5 and amazingly I've failed to notice the differences in their expression...I mean I don't expect people to bawl and create a scene when they get such low marks but hello!they can try being a tad bit more serious.But what I find is they get even more obstinate and bunk more classes(as if that's gonna help)and screw themselves further.
My point is if we really hate the system,we should try creating a support system of our own and try and beat the system our way.I probably sound a bit too utopian but surely there has to be way out of this trap.Since we have fallen prey to this system,we might as well device a counter system that would help us extricate ourselves out of this shit.
Anybody with me???

I thought I liked roddur...turns out I don't.Not anymore,atleast.
But I don't like brishti either.

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Haven't had jilipi in a very long time.Have to have some this sunday.
And luchi and shada alur chochchori too.

I MUST stop expecting such a hell lot from people.
I'm sick of being let down.


And...I'll give myself more time.

"sen"sational tagged me on her blog.
for all those who don't know what a tag is(heck!i didn't know till today)its some kind of a rage more like chain letters(god!i actually believed in them)you tag 8 people and they go and tag 8 more...and you have to state 8 attributes you'd want your partner to posess..that's pretty much how it works.
and though i find it extremely babyish...i'm gonna do it all the same.
so here goes....
#1.this guy should be funny(weird i chose this to be my first criterion...but boring people seriously turn me off)
#2.he should be talkative(being a good listener is always a great option...but let it not remain limited to just that..and talking never killed anyone,did it?)
#3.he should nurture more or less the same interests as me(having similar taste in books,music,movies,blah!blah!blah!would help win brownie points)
#4.he should know me enough to read my thoughts...(of all the people i know,there are only a handful who really know what's going on inside me...and even lesser number of guys at that)
#5.this might sound ridiculous,but the guy i'd be with should have all the time in this world for me...i won't really appreciate his leaving me for some work he "just remembered"
#6.he MUST be honest...you know the relationship has gone haywire when these lies come in...not the little white lies...but the more serious ones.therefore honest he must be.
guys in the mood for "fun" NEED NOT apply.
#7.He must give me enough space.He should respect my privacy and know where exactly to draw the line.(loving me and accepting me the way i am..and not trying to change me for his conveniences are the obvious implications of this criterion)
#8.i'm neither a racist nor an angel myself.complexions and looks are therefore no bar.but he should be presentable enough.

there...phew!that's my list.
i now tag load-shedding,inihos,warped spiral,truly bloggers,yippie-hippie,rags,alluder and evee.

dada mailed me after what seems like ages.it felt as though he was right here sitting next to me and it made me realise how far away he was from me and how long it is going to be before i could see him again.made me feel happy and sad all at the same time and before i knew it i was crying my heart out
i think i read the mail some 15 times over and everytime it deciphered a new meaning altogether.
i've replied back...and i guess it would be yet another 60 odd days before i hear from him again...
as of right now i think i'm the happiest person on the planet:)

I had a really good day today
Saturday,for once,wasn't all boring and drab...
I think I'll indulge in these small luxuries once in a while.

I think I'm kinda drifting away from my friends...I can't really "connect" with them anymore...we don't share the same opinion about anything.Now, people usually don't always hold the same views about everything under the sun..I know..but they seem to agree somewhere...somewhere...Well!I don't.That's why I think i'm drifting away...And I can hardly do anything to stop this thing from happenning.
Every moment I spend with them the more estranged I get...it's funny how things change so randomly.There was a time when I'd spend hours on the ledge chatting away to glory...I don't know for sure when all that stopped...only that it did...I guess I realised that there were other things that could keep me busy...Its not like I had a fight with anyone(I'm way too grown up for that,dontcha think???)and its not like I have vowed not to go in there...(You'd probably see me perched on the last ledge..the first thing on monday morning!!!)But somehow..I feel things are no longer the same.As yippie-hippie said I have this facarde of general indifference about me...I swear its not made up...Its merely the reflection of what's going on inside me.
I HAVE TO come out of this phase before it overpowers me...

I had an unnaturally good day today...
For one my viva went well...I didnot screw it,that is.Besides I got a decent grade..so I'm not complaining(blush..blush..)
I guess,I was way too worked up on this viva thingie..and now that it is over I can feel the load off me...finally!!!but I don't think this feel good phase is going to last forever...all the more because the prof in question,I heard,takes cheap pleasure in tormenting her students.So I guess another viva is just around the corner!!!I wonder what happiness she derives in slaving us poor souls like minions!!!
Valentine's day turned out to be umm...eventful(do i see raised eyebrows?)what with people coming to college all decked up...some girl from my department had dabbed so much make up that she seriously looked scary..starry eyed and all- I guess this is her first time!!!
That apart I really didn't see anything chanchollokor enough(damn!!)
Listening to the radio right now...some guy just requested "how deep is your love" for his wife...but I still don't understand why he dedicated it to five other females!!!

Confessions on a sunday afternoon:-
#1.I am a loser with a capital "l"
#2.Amar dara porasuno hobe na..
#3.I'm gonna get cold feet tommorrow and stand tight lipped in front of the prof. when she takes the viva...thereby creating one hell of an impression.
#4.Ami bari palachhi...very soon...jaaah!not "eloping"..stupid!
#5.I 'lubh' you all......mmmmmuaaaah!!

okay...so my life isnt exactly "rocking" right now.my voice is nearly choked(this is precisely what happens when you shriek your lungs out)and its sounding so goddamn squaky that i cant even talk...my eyes have turned all watery because i have been staring blankly at the comp for an hour flat.and I'm feeling sleepy all over again(even though i slept till noon)besides,i HAVE TO mug a zillion pages of reference during the weekend because i have this nagging feeling that we might have a surprise test on monday(and to think that "surprise tests" were meant for kidos...gah!!!)you call this a life?
alright lets face it...ive not really been acting the way i should...God knows when i last sat down to study.baba's right."eating and sleeping is all i do"ya!i do religiously sit before the computer almost everyday..and give a thousand missed calls to everyone listed in my phonebook but that's just about it.
ma cant stop bickering that i don't spend "enough time with family".
i guess shae's right to a certain extent.I HAVE virtually alienated myself from the rest of the family(*mum,dad included)and created a world of my own in which i remain cocooned most of the time.it's not that i want to come out of this shell but it really does make me feel guilty when mum starts with her accusations.parents can get really logical sometimes(read always)so much so that arguing with them simply makles one feel like an imbecile!!!(wow!i do have a LOT to say when it comes to parents!!!)
but that's not the point..this is not what i started writing for.i can feel something going terribly wrong with me..but everythings so bloody fucked up that i don'y know how to get it right.and i dunno where to start from either.and i'm not just cribbing about "me is not studying"sheesh!i'm not that studious and nerdy to be worked up on that...
jeez!i really am not making any sense,am i???

I'm missing dada like crazy.....
Today when S was singing "you fill up my senses...", the first thing that crossed my mind was "oh man!I wish dada was here with me...."
I dunno why but I've started to miss him A LOT these days....I virtually miss him every wakeable hour...every minute...almost always...damn!!!

I stayed back in college till 8 today.I have never stayed in college after 7 in the night...EVER...and I had a ball!!I dunno why but the simplest of the things that happen at J.U can make me go gaga.I guess I just love the place a tad too much to overlook the most trivial things that happen in and around it and not get enchanted by it.
SANSKRITI starts from tomorrow.I can tell I'm excited.It all seems so goddamn mindboggling.I know I'm probably getting a wee bit too carried away by the hype(Its probably going to be a big dissapointment...wtf!!)but I think I'm going to just lay back and enjoy it as long as it lasts...so that I don't regret not having enjoyed it to the optimum,later on.
And while coming back from college today, I looked back(I do it everyday) and I think I fell in love with the place all over again...I loved the small bulbs wrapped in colourful scraps of paper and the way they lit up the whole arts campus.I loved the chitkar-chechamechi booming across the union room...loved the way A-da went about with this "i-mean-business" kind of a look on his face...loved the posters that were put up infront of UG Arts entrance.It all seemed like this psychedelic dream that would never get over...
I earnestly hope that this dream stays with me forever...

• I think I'm what you'd rightly call confused and lost.I was never the "focussed" type anyway...but it wasn't as bad as now.It's getting worse with every passing day...every living hour...I'm probably more confused and disoriented than when I started off in the morning.

What's frustrating is that I keep contradicting myself.I really don't know what I want from myself and from life, as a whole.I don't know what I'm doing ...better still why I'm doing it at all.My head's turned into this entangled meshwork of a zillion thoughts and processes.I wish I could stop being so overly judgemental and self critical...

• I'd gone to boimela today.This was the first time I went without baba.This may sound stupid to a lot of people,but,I didn't really like boimela this time.It was the same old hujuge public(no offence...but lets face it...these are ppl who possibly go to every freaking mela held in kolkata...or maybe even outside),a handful of genuine booklovers...a motley of kochikachas,mashimas,kakus,jethus,dada- boudis(hobu included),some antel intellligentsia(dari,jhola,biri,et al).The food court was (as usual)the most crowded.I made boats out of the leaflets handed out at the time of entry........!!!,religiously went to the little magazine stalls bought a couple of journals and patrikas for baba.I didn't buy anything for myself this time...partly because I'm broke(and i hate asking mum for cash)and partly because there are a lot of stuff at home which I haven't finished reading.We sat down at the "MAMARTA"area for a while before coming back home and no!I didn't have any dutta-r telebhaja although I know that S would have been really happy (read exuberant)if I did.

I'm in a fix.I have 4 classes(4!!??!!)tomorrow -none of which are prone to get cancelled-classes of immense importance taught by teachers I really admire and thus dont want to miss.But then there's a short film festival at Anita Bannerjee Memorial Hall and I don't want to miss that either!!They are going to screen "komolgandhar"and"jukti,takko,gappo".I'm torn between my duties and my whimsicalities.DAMN!!How I hate myself for putting me through this...
I read D's blog today and the first thing that crossed my mind is "oh man!!!she writes really well".I mean ,I can't write like that for nuts!!!Heck...I don't even know so many words.Times like this I really feel deficient..like something's lacking.

• I'm getting a wee bit too impulsive and fickle minded these days.We had all planned to go and watch RANG DE BASANTI.I don't know why but all of a sudden I put my foot down and decided to bunk it.Ppl who have watched it have passed a good judgement about the film and I've been cursing myself ever since for depriving me of such a treat.

There are some more movies I want to watch in the coming days:-
#1.Mixed Doubles(not for konkona,but for rajat kapoor)
#2.Bow Barracks~forever(for the simple reason-Anjan Dutta...I dunno why its taking soooo long to release)
#3.The Bong Connection(i know its nascent and being shot right now...but I get a bit cynical when an Anjan Dutta film is in question)

I hate weekends.It wasn't like this before...Weekends were fun when I was in school.There was a time when I hated going to school(the physics teacher was a slut and we had her classes everyday)and weekends were what i used to look forward to all week.For then,it meant a respite from studies(I NEVER studied during weekends..unless ofcourse there was a test on monday on a subject I hated and was clueless about).
I used to go to this place in triangular park called "ANNESHA"(yeah! it had the same name as me..but with a different spelling)I would go there every saturday and spend hours with others like me.It was some sort of a playhouse and they would teach us how to sing,dance,recite,etc,etc.We even staged a few plays.The evenings were spent boring mum with all my senseless prattle about how much fun i had had and what we had done the whole day.It's amazing how she always used to listen to me intently as if nothing else in the whole wide world could be more important than this.I doubt if i would ever be half as nice to my kids as she was(and still is) to me.
Sundays were mostly spent at jethur bari...it was some kind of a ritual.We just HAD TO go there every sunday.Sunday nights were nightmarish...what with the whole weekend spent in "having fun",I had to burn the midnight oil to finish my homework and still a dozen more assignments would remain pending.
I don't precisely remember when all that stopped. Just that it did.I guess I outgrew the age to go to some silly playhouse.Jethur bari did not excite me anymore.Weekends in the past few years were largely spent in running from one tuition to another...it was so exhausting and thus so non descript that i can't really elucidate on that phase.
From then,till now, things have come a long way.I loathe weekends now!!!They are as boring and uneventful as it can possibly get.Mum's mostly busy with her work(being a school teacher doesn't come easy).Baba's got a world of his own...something I really am not keen on encroaching upon.I don't even remember the last time all three of us went out somewhere.I try to act busy...but the fact remains I'm the most bekar person you could ever come across on weekends.I long for their company.I wish I could turn the clock back in time and sort things the way they originally were...go back to ANNESHA...visit jethur bari one sunday(I think they'll be baffled on seeing me...the unsocial that I've become in the past few years)talk with mum for hours together...
I wonder if all that would be possible again ...EVER....