I think I'm kinda drifting away from my friends...I can't really "connect" with them anymore...we don't share the same opinion about anything.Now, people usually don't always hold the same views about everything under the sun..I know..but they seem to agree somewhere...somewhere...Well!I don't.That's why I think i'm drifting away...And I can hardly do anything to stop this thing from happenning.
Every moment I spend with them the more estranged I get...it's funny how things change so randomly.There was a time when I'd spend hours on the ledge chatting away to glory...I don't know for sure when all that stopped...only that it did...I guess I realised that there were other things that could keep me busy...Its not like I had a fight with anyone(I'm way too grown up for that,dontcha think???)and its not like I have vowed not to go in there...(You'd probably see me perched on the last ledge..the first thing on monday morning!!!)But somehow..I feel things are no longer the same.As yippie-hippie said I have this facarde of general indifference about me...I swear its not made up...Its merely the reflection of what's going on inside me.
I HAVE TO come out of this phase before it overpowers me...

I had an unnaturally good day today...
For one my viva went well...I didnot screw it,that is.Besides I got a decent grade..so I'm not complaining(blush..blush..)
I guess,I was way too worked up on this viva thingie..and now that it is over I can feel the load off me...finally!!!but I don't think this feel good phase is going to last forever...all the more because the prof in question,I heard,takes cheap pleasure in tormenting her students.So I guess another viva is just around the corner!!!I wonder what happiness she derives in slaving us poor souls like minions!!!
Valentine's day turned out to be umm...eventful(do i see raised eyebrows?)what with people coming to college all decked up...some girl from my department had dabbed so much make up that she seriously looked scary..starry eyed and all- I guess this is her first time!!!
That apart I really didn't see anything chanchollokor enough(damn!!)
Listening to the radio right now...some guy just requested "how deep is your love" for his wife...but I still don't understand why he dedicated it to five other females!!!

Confessions on a sunday afternoon:-
#1.I am a loser with a capital "l"
#2.Amar dara porasuno hobe na..
#3.I'm gonna get cold feet tommorrow and stand tight lipped in front of the prof. when she takes the viva...thereby creating one hell of an impression.
#4.Ami bari palachhi...very soon...jaaah!not "eloping"..stupid!
#5.I 'lubh' you all......mmmmmuaaaah!!

okay...so my life isnt exactly "rocking" right now.my voice is nearly choked(this is precisely what happens when you shriek your lungs out)and its sounding so goddamn squaky that i cant even talk...my eyes have turned all watery because i have been staring blankly at the comp for an hour flat.and I'm feeling sleepy all over again(even though i slept till noon)besides,i HAVE TO mug a zillion pages of reference during the weekend because i have this nagging feeling that we might have a surprise test on monday(and to think that "surprise tests" were meant for kidos...gah!!!)you call this a life?
alright lets face it...ive not really been acting the way i should...God knows when i last sat down to study.baba's right."eating and sleeping is all i do"ya!i do religiously sit before the computer almost everyday..and give a thousand missed calls to everyone listed in my phonebook but that's just about it.
ma cant stop bickering that i don't spend "enough time with family".
i guess shae's right to a certain extent.I HAVE virtually alienated myself from the rest of the family(*mum,dad included)and created a world of my own in which i remain cocooned most of the time.it's not that i want to come out of this shell but it really does make me feel guilty when mum starts with her accusations.parents can get really logical sometimes(read always)so much so that arguing with them simply makles one feel like an imbecile!!!(wow!i do have a LOT to say when it comes to parents!!!)
but that's not the point..this is not what i started writing for.i can feel something going terribly wrong with me..but everythings so bloody fucked up that i don'y know how to get it right.and i dunno where to start from either.and i'm not just cribbing about "me is not studying"sheesh!i'm not that studious and nerdy to be worked up on that...
jeez!i really am not making any sense,am i???

I'm missing dada like crazy.....
Today when S was singing "you fill up my senses...", the first thing that crossed my mind was "oh man!I wish dada was here with me...."
I dunno why but I've started to miss him A LOT these days....I virtually miss him every wakeable hour...every minute...almost always...damn!!!

I stayed back in college till 8 today.I have never stayed in college after 7 in the night...EVER...and I had a ball!!I dunno why but the simplest of the things that happen at J.U can make me go gaga.I guess I just love the place a tad too much to overlook the most trivial things that happen in and around it and not get enchanted by it.
SANSKRITI starts from tomorrow.I can tell I'm excited.It all seems so goddamn mindboggling.I know I'm probably getting a wee bit too carried away by the hype(Its probably going to be a big dissapointment...wtf!!)but I think I'm going to just lay back and enjoy it as long as it lasts...so that I don't regret not having enjoyed it to the optimum,later on.
And while coming back from college today, I looked back(I do it everyday) and I think I fell in love with the place all over again...I loved the small bulbs wrapped in colourful scraps of paper and the way they lit up the whole arts campus.I loved the chitkar-chechamechi booming across the union room...loved the way A-da went about with this "i-mean-business" kind of a look on his face...loved the posters that were put up infront of UG Arts entrance.It all seemed like this psychedelic dream that would never get over...
I earnestly hope that this dream stays with me forever...

• I think I'm what you'd rightly call confused and lost.I was never the "focussed" type anyway...but it wasn't as bad as now.It's getting worse with every passing day...every living hour...I'm probably more confused and disoriented than when I started off in the morning.

What's frustrating is that I keep contradicting myself.I really don't know what I want from myself and from life, as a whole.I don't know what I'm doing ...better still why I'm doing it at all.My head's turned into this entangled meshwork of a zillion thoughts and processes.I wish I could stop being so overly judgemental and self critical...

• I'd gone to boimela today.This was the first time I went without baba.This may sound stupid to a lot of people,but,I didn't really like boimela this time.It was the same old hujuge public(no offence...but lets face it...these are ppl who possibly go to every freaking mela held in kolkata...or maybe even outside),a handful of genuine booklovers...a motley of kochikachas,mashimas,kakus,jethus,dada- boudis(hobu included),some antel intellligentsia(dari,jhola,biri,et al).The food court was (as usual)the most crowded.I made boats out of the leaflets handed out at the time of entry........!!!,religiously went to the little magazine stalls bought a couple of journals and patrikas for baba.I didn't buy anything for myself this time...partly because I'm broke(and i hate asking mum for cash)and partly because there are a lot of stuff at home which I haven't finished reading.We sat down at the "MAMARTA"area for a while before coming back home and no!I didn't have any dutta-r telebhaja although I know that S would have been really happy (read exuberant)if I did.

I'm in a fix.I have 4 classes(4!!??!!)tomorrow -none of which are prone to get cancelled-classes of immense importance taught by teachers I really admire and thus dont want to miss.But then there's a short film festival at Anita Bannerjee Memorial Hall and I don't want to miss that either!!They are going to screen "komolgandhar"and"jukti,takko,gappo".I'm torn between my duties and my whimsicalities.DAMN!!How I hate myself for putting me through this...
I read D's blog today and the first thing that crossed my mind is "oh man!!!she writes really well".I mean ,I can't write like that for nuts!!!Heck...I don't even know so many words.Times like this I really feel deficient..like something's lacking.

• I'm getting a wee bit too impulsive and fickle minded these days.We had all planned to go and watch RANG DE BASANTI.I don't know why but all of a sudden I put my foot down and decided to bunk it.Ppl who have watched it have passed a good judgement about the film and I've been cursing myself ever since for depriving me of such a treat.

There are some more movies I want to watch in the coming days:-
#1.Mixed Doubles(not for konkona,but for rajat kapoor)
#2.Bow Barracks~forever(for the simple reason-Anjan Dutta...I dunno why its taking soooo long to release)
#3.The Bong Connection(i know its nascent and being shot right now...but I get a bit cynical when an Anjan Dutta film is in question)

I hate weekends.It wasn't like this before...Weekends were fun when I was in school.There was a time when I hated going to school(the physics teacher was a slut and we had her classes everyday)and weekends were what i used to look forward to all week.For then,it meant a respite from studies(I NEVER studied during weekends..unless ofcourse there was a test on monday on a subject I hated and was clueless about).
I used to go to this place in triangular park called "ANNESHA"(yeah! it had the same name as me..but with a different spelling)I would go there every saturday and spend hours with others like me.It was some sort of a playhouse and they would teach us how to sing,dance,recite,etc,etc.We even staged a few plays.The evenings were spent boring mum with all my senseless prattle about how much fun i had had and what we had done the whole day.It's amazing how she always used to listen to me intently as if nothing else in the whole wide world could be more important than this.I doubt if i would ever be half as nice to my kids as she was(and still is) to me.
Sundays were mostly spent at jethur bari...it was some kind of a ritual.We just HAD TO go there every sunday.Sunday nights were nightmarish...what with the whole weekend spent in "having fun",I had to burn the midnight oil to finish my homework and still a dozen more assignments would remain pending.
I don't precisely remember when all that stopped. Just that it did.I guess I outgrew the age to go to some silly playhouse.Jethur bari did not excite me anymore.Weekends in the past few years were largely spent in running from one tuition to another...it was so exhausting and thus so non descript that i can't really elucidate on that phase.
From then,till now, things have come a long way.I loathe weekends now!!!They are as boring and uneventful as it can possibly get.Mum's mostly busy with her work(being a school teacher doesn't come easy).Baba's got a world of his own...something I really am not keen on encroaching upon.I don't even remember the last time all three of us went out somewhere.I try to act busy...but the fact remains I'm the most bekar person you could ever come across on weekends.I long for their company.I wish I could turn the clock back in time and sort things the way they originally were...go back to ANNESHA...visit jethur bari one sunday(I think they'll be baffled on seeing me...the unsocial that I've become in the past few years)talk with mum for hours together...
I wonder if all that would be possible again ...EVER....

My wardrobe is always awfully cluttered.I never find the right things at the right time(that explains why I'm so badly dressed at every social do).It takes hours to match socks...the discarded clothes always figure at the top and I've to turn everything topsyturvy to find the right t-shirt or trouser or whatever...and I can't remember where my pink kurti is.

I bumped into an old friend from school today...but I don't think she recognised me.She kind of looked through me as if I don't really exist.I hate it when people do that intentionally.I mean,how long does it take to say a "hi" or a "kemon achish"?Not even a minute.Please don't tell me we can't even spare a minute for those with whom we have virtally spent our entire childhood.I wish we could stop being so overtly selfish and full of ourselves all the time...

I tried smoking today and for once, it did not burn my throat.Infact,I quite liked it...it's only when I tried exhaling the smoke through my nose that things got a bit out of hand...I think I inhaled it, instead and then got laughing which eventually choked me...but it was a lot of fun!!!And,I guess I freaked S out because he kept asking if I was ok.

Have you ever laughed so hard that you had tears in your eyes?
I haven't done that in a long time.

Something's wrong with nearly all the gadgets at home.The phone's gone haywire...and keeps buzzing everytime i call...(what's uncanny,though, is no one else is complaining..I suspect if it's somekind of a conspiracy?)The T.V remote control refuses to work .I've stopped watching T.V therefore (since i have to get up and change channels or turn down volumes, otherwise.And I'm too self obsessed to put myself through such hardships)The refrigerator has started leaking..the microven is overheating food till they get charred..the internet's taking hours to get connected...the server is down most of the time.
I think I'm gonna go back to primitive living..