I thought I had it in me to cheer myself up when I'm down...turns out,I don't.
I do get into a "I-feel-so-crappy" phase once in a while...but its never been this l-o-n-g.
I think I'm turning into this perpetual brooder just like Arunava....and I can so figure what people usually say when they see me in college these days...Oh!there goes the brooder...gawd!why the hell can't she stop sulking??
And I totally understand...hell!I would have probably said the same thing if I it wasn't me.
But the point is however much may I try,its not working this time.
It feels as though I'm precariously dangling from a cliff...and I can't clamber up...
But,I'm really trying,you know...
Will someone lend me a hand?

I've never been this annoyed with myself as I am now...
I can't believe I'm putting myself through so much pain...
If I were someone else,I would have bloody well wrung his neck or done something equally sinful..I swear.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......................:(

I hate it when the voice inside my head starts whispering things I don't want to hear...things I pretend never happennened to me...but it still does...all the fucken time...
I hate it even more when it starts dictating things for me...

It happenned today...all of a sudden..
It made me feel like puking... made me so nauseated...so claustrophobic...desperately wanted that voice to shut up,wanted it to stop telling me what I'm supposed to do...but I couldn't..
It's still throbbing inside my head...

And somewhere I hear someone calling out for me ...
I try looking up...
I can't see anything...everything appears so blurred and obscure...so mundane...
hold me tight..I'm falling.
hold me back so that I don't drift away from you.

I want to watch Being Cyrus.
Anyone wants to come along???

Time's surely changing...

dada mailed...AGAIN!!! Opened my inbox and hey presto!Big bro has replied back!
dada replying within a month's time is somewhat like me sitting down to study on a sunday morning or me waking up at 7 in the morning or maa not lecturing me on responsibilities...
you get the picture...very much unexpected so much so that you think something's going terribly wrong somewhere~!!!
I was bloody happy the last time he mailed....but this time its a different feeling altogether.You bet I'm happy but its something more than sheer happiness.Its a feeling of being loved...a realisation that he actually took off a good 10 minutes from his very very busy schedule to reply back(family news has it that the bloke is working his ass off to get a promotion)
so there!li'l sister is drunk with happiness.She has already indulged in a "sinfully rich"chocolate icecream with nuts and caramel and is all set to have a sumptuous dinner and then a good night's sleep...old habits really die hard!!!!
tra-la-la-la-la...toodle doo..................................................................

I had some very generalised pre-conceived notions about bangla theatre...that it is fast decaying...that the charm it had had on its potential audience some decades back is seriously lacking today.blah!blah!blah!
I watched Winkle Twinkle(written and directed by Bratya Basu)in Academy today and I've still not recovered from the effect it had on me.The show had a house full-the tickets were all sold out.Infact,a serpentine que of bhadroloks had to be turned away.And when I say house full I don't mean those hujuge bangalis who probably go to the fair and theatre with pretty much the same mentality...The audience(mostly comprising the 20 to 40 age bracket)had a definite understanding of what theatre is...they laughed,they cheered,they clapped and even stayed silent where they deemed it necessary.
Maybe it was because of my misconceptions and my unconscious tendency to undermine bangla theatre that I got a real blow today.The dialogues are still reverberating inside my head and I can't get over the fact that I've wasted a good deal of time and money watching stupid,imbecile movies when I could have spent it on bhalo bhalo natok.
Who says bangla theatre is doomed?With people like Bratya Basu making such soul stirring plays and hundreds of people still lining up before the ticket counter,bangla theatre is definitely here to stay...
[p.s:-I thank S for giving me this opportunity to change my notions about bangla theatre]

I just realised that I'm doing a lot of things in college except that one thing that I've been sent there for-studying.I don't really remember going to the library(no wonder the librarian gives me that quizzical look everytime I go in there...as if I'm an alien and don't really belong there.w.t.f....I don't...I'm a complete misfit...oi mota mota boigulo dekhlei jar eshe jai)and the worst bit is that I have an internal this wednesday(I still have a week and hope against hope that i'd be able to finish the syllabus)and I'm all set to screw this one big time:(
I have no idea how people manage to stay so cool after screwing their internals.I've seen people get a meagre 0.15 out of 5...and I've seen people get a whoping 4.25 out of 5 and amazingly I've failed to notice the differences in their expression...I mean I don't expect people to bawl and create a scene when they get such low marks but hello!they can try being a tad bit more serious.But what I find is they get even more obstinate and bunk more classes(as if that's gonna help)and screw themselves further.
My point is if we really hate the system,we should try creating a support system of our own and try and beat the system our way.I probably sound a bit too utopian but surely there has to be way out of this trap.Since we have fallen prey to this system,we might as well device a counter system that would help us extricate ourselves out of this shit.
Anybody with me???

I thought I liked roddur...turns out I don't.Not anymore,atleast.
But I don't like brishti either.

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Haven't had jilipi in a very long time.Have to have some this sunday.
And luchi and shada alur chochchori too.

I MUST stop expecting such a hell lot from people.
I'm sick of being let down.


And...I'll give myself more time.

"sen"sational tagged me on her blog.
for all those who don't know what a tag is(heck!i didn't know till today)its some kind of a rage more like chain letters(god!i actually believed in them)you tag 8 people and they go and tag 8 more...and you have to state 8 attributes you'd want your partner to posess..that's pretty much how it works.
and though i find it extremely babyish...i'm gonna do it all the same.
so here goes....
#1.this guy should be funny(weird i chose this to be my first criterion...but boring people seriously turn me off)
#2.he should be talkative(being a good listener is always a great option...but let it not remain limited to just that..and talking never killed anyone,did it?)
#3.he should nurture more or less the same interests as me(having similar taste in books,music,movies,blah!blah!blah!would help win brownie points)
#4.he should know me enough to read my thoughts...(of all the people i know,there are only a handful who really know what's going on inside me...and even lesser number of guys at that)
#5.this might sound ridiculous,but the guy i'd be with should have all the time in this world for me...i won't really appreciate his leaving me for some work he "just remembered"
#6.he MUST be honest...you know the relationship has gone haywire when these lies come in...not the little white lies...but the more serious ones.therefore honest he must be.
guys in the mood for "fun" NEED NOT apply.
#7.He must give me enough space.He should respect my privacy and know where exactly to draw the line.(loving me and accepting me the way i am..and not trying to change me for his conveniences are the obvious implications of this criterion)
#8.i'm neither a racist nor an angel myself.complexions and looks are therefore no bar.but he should be presentable enough.

there...phew!that's my list.
i now tag load-shedding,inihos,warped spiral,truly bloggers,yippie-hippie,rags,alluder and evee.

dada mailed me after what seems like ages.it felt as though he was right here sitting next to me and it made me realise how far away he was from me and how long it is going to be before i could see him again.made me feel happy and sad all at the same time and before i knew it i was crying my heart out
i think i read the mail some 15 times over and everytime it deciphered a new meaning altogether.
i've replied back...and i guess it would be yet another 60 odd days before i hear from him again...
as of right now i think i'm the happiest person on the planet:)

I had a really good day today
Saturday,for once,wasn't all boring and drab...
I think I'll indulge in these small luxuries once in a while.