my life's turning into some kind of a weird joke...(nasty,so to speak)too many coincidences...a little too many surprises...too much telepathy...it just ain't funny anymore...
ughhhhhh...why me???

It feels really frustrating when I can't express myself..its happenning right now...there is so much I'd like to say(or,atleast I think i do..)but I just can't find the right words...
dhyatt....bhallage na:(

"jokhon moner bhitor surjota hothat doobe jaye
jokhon asha bhorsha shob rasta haray
jokhon bhordupure pather dhare ekla kore bhoy
jokhon bus-er bhitor bhirer majhe kanna chapte hoye
jeno,tomar motoi ami hatre berai
jeno,tomar motoi amar bondhu ekta chai

shesh bole kichhu nei...
shesh bole kichhu nei...
jeno,shesh jekhanei...
shuru shakhanei...

jemon majhdoriyay nouko
bhire ashe kinaray
ore!manush jokhon achhe
tokhon hath-o jute jaye

shesh bole kichhu nei...
shesh bole kichhu nei...
jeno,shesh jekhanei...
shuru shekhanei..."

amar bhishon priyo manusher lekha gaanta...nobobarshe shokoler janne....
Shubho Naboborsho...

mundane afternoon...except for the continuous groaning of the fan and the occassional sound of missed calls, there's an abrupt silence in the room...not exactly eerie but awkward,nonetheless...
i miss college...i miss ledge,the most...which has now become a part of my existence...the bridge has been closed down for some time now...dilapidated and rickety(read,extremely),the bridge always spooked me especially at night when it would cast this grim shadow on the jheel standing tall like a man with arms outstretched...i miss the bridge too,now that i think of it...
two more days...TWO freaking days before monday ...gawd!how i hate weekends...
people reading this probably think i have got nothing better to do than go to college and gush about it in my blog...but the fact is I'm so passionately in love with joo that i can't imagine staying away from it for long...for me bunking college equals insanity(ask the people who stay with me)
the feeling was more or less the same even when i was in school..i would hate bunking school...come hail or storm i always made sure that i was present in school (no wonder,i bagged the attendance prize,twice in a row...missed the third time by a day or two..shucks!) but now that i have passed out i don't even miss school all that much...
uncanny though it may seem,i hardly think of school...leave alone miss it...wonder if it would be the same when i pass out of joo...
i know i'm being VERY incoherent here...lethargen,it seems has gotten into my blood...my 'flesh and blood'(loved the way we used to re-iterate the phrase during the "Not Oedipus"rehersals) don't even feel like moving my bum and going out for walk...
i need some fresh air..its very stale and gloomy inside my room...poor ventilation...the window in my room opens to a verandah...result.no air and no light...the space is crammed...all the furnitures are dumped in my room in a vague disorderly fashion...i never used to mind it before..i do..now...I WANT MY ROOM BACK!
mum's shocked at my rebellious antics and demands an apology!I'm holding on to my ego...dad's given up all hope on me...he used to be vocal before.but now,he simply sighs,nods his head,sighs again and departs into the study.period.
I'm turning into a rebel cum brat cum snob of sorts...
I'm becoming more and more estranged with every passing day...i can feel it...i dress in a bizarre fashion,relatives eye me curiously at every social do..not that i care but they still give me that look which screams "you don't belong here"...
I've grown used to all the frowns,smirks,chuckles and raised eyebrows...
cliches everything...all this.
do something that i haven't seen you do before...
take me by surprise...
make my jaw drop...

Had FIVE honours classes today...back to back...
It was gruelling ,but, satisfying nonetheless...
Helped me keep my mind off things that bog me down badly,otherwise...
I want more days like today.

The weather's SO nice outside...I want to go out but mum's put her foot down...times like this I wish I was born a guy...then I wouldn't have to worry about going out in the dark all by myself and keeping mum posted on where I was everywhere I went...
I want to become a boy just this one time...and go out and take a long walk all by myself without mum worrying her head off about where I am...

When would I learn to set my priorities right?
When would I learn to draw a line and get serious about things that are of some importance in my life?

Would I learn EVER???

Had no class today...yet went to college...spent about a couple of hours in the library(good ole' nerdy me!)flipped through a zillion refences...leafed through a zillion more...pursing my lips and groaning silently...fidgeting...nervously calculating the number of days left before college closes for study leave.Damn!I'm SO screwed this time!!!
Had screening today...thought they would show my brother nikhil...they showed us dilwale dulhania le jayenge instead...walked out of the screening...heavily let down and majorly heart broken...
Had carried ha-ja-ba-ra-la to college today because I remembered P.B telling me once that she hasn't read it...read it out to P.B and D.C...while they sat through the entire session listening to me with rapt attention...it made me feel very important...made my heart swell up with pride...made me feel as if I've been able to tag them along in my flight to fantasy...
beral khushi hoye bollo,'ha,e to bojhai jachhe -chandrobindoor cho,beraler talabyo sho,rumaler maa-holo chashma.kemon,holo to?'
ufffff....it was sooooo exhilerating.You all should have been there watching me read it out loud...shining eyes,giggling inconsolably at the slightest provocation...it was all such fun!
[on a different note,i think 'S' is mad at me...i dunno why...i wish he would tell me instead of flaring his nostrils(*~*he looks cute when he does that*~*)everytime our eyes met...]

I'm screwed...
Barely a month left for the end sem and I haven't done half as much studying as I intended to do(rather,resolved to do)...gah!who am I kidding?I bet I haven't even done the barest minimum studies any pupil with average intellect needs to do to dodge a suppli...heck!I'm screwed.BIG TIME!!!
As if this wasn't enough to bog me down...my cousin's wedding had to get fixed and its happenning this april.Now let me tell you what I'm not.I'm NOT the pretentious bitch who plasters that fake smile on her face and sheepishly grins at acquaintances on being introduced at biyebaris.I have tried doing that...I've tried telling myself that its going to be over soon and I would again be back to my own space tomorrow...but its never worked and I've failed miserably everytime...
Let's face it.I cannot be a hypocrite and say I'm doing great when I'm clearly dying of claustrophobia...
I'm not extremely pally-pally with my cousins...being the youngest in the family I've always had problems communicating with them...I was "way too babyish for them" before...I guess I'm way too yuppy by their standards now...so there!!
And the only person who could really make things better and less boring for me wouldn't be here for sometime now...(i miss you,dada!)The wedding's on the 20th of this month...the whole family,I'm calculating,would be agog with biye songkranto activities from 19 to the 23rd...I'm having this overwhelming urge to run away and take refuge somewhere for these few days...anything to save me from this hypocrisy...letsee...
Oh!and I've a project to submit and yet another viva this monday...its on gupta dynasty and feudalism...I still haven't got hold of any references...I can totally foresee what my weekend is going to be like...I would fool around all through saturday...chicken out on sunday morning...realise there's a LOT of work left to be done...and very little time...hence i would panic...post some more self indulged "my-life-sucks-why-is-it-me-everytime-I-hate-myself"..blogs(I pity you,readers!!!).fret and thereby kill some more time...mentally curse myself a zillion times...chew nails(if anything's left to chew,that is!)...drive the whole neighborhood up the wall ranting like a lunatic and then...when my reckless insanity finally succumbs to sanity,I'll gather myself and settle down "to study" burn the midnight oil and finish the project...leaving the mugging part undone(will do it in the morning-it never works!)go to college still cursing myself for being an irresponsible freak...screw my viva...groan out in public...nag for sometime before someone snaps at me and therefore bruises my dignity...
its a viscious cycle I've fallen into...I've grown so used to this by now that it seems impossible to come out of it...

don't ask me what this is..its something i drew sometime back during my bouts of boredom...reminds me of pretzels...

pray,tell me,is it really me or them???

some general observations:-
a)person A and person B have amazing compatibility...they gel incredibly...read each others thoughts like a piece of text...say a lot without really blurting anything out loud...were together for a long time but broke up eventually...
manage to still build up the chemistry everytime they meet but are not too keen on getting back together.
b)person X and person Y have little or no similarity...they mostly fight and are still "going around" for sometime now...surprise!surprise!
c)some person G considered person B to be a jerk until recently...they are officially dating now..but if you ask me I still can't believe it!!!(whaaaaaaaaaat????)

Such is the irony of events...
me pheeeels bheri lost...

Its weird how my weekend To-Do list always turns into the Not-To-Do list and vice versa...
I think I decided on a)STUDY A LOT...and
b)NO NET SURFING
And look how i conveniently interchanged the two...
like everytime...
sigh.....

Got sick of black...
grey and pink suits me fine...
i wanna have chocolate sundae...

there....it's gone now...for good!!!all my sulking and brooding...my "me-is-sad...me-wants-solace"phase is finally over and done away with.it happenned yesterday...right in the middle of nothingness...while i was perched on the ledge..contemplating the latest miseries that have befallen me and thereby causing me more dukhho...i dunno what exactly took over me...i hopped down,yanked I.P by the arm...(that must have shaken the living daylights out of her)and went downstairs...(hopperty...skipperty...i had to be as chirpy as can be..even though i wasnt feeling upto it)forced a few unfortunate souls to shell out 5,10 bucks and then i had THREE icecreams...strawberry,vanilla,and then chocolate...intended to have orange stick too but then it wasn't available(drats!)there...now that's settled..i'm sorta back to where i was some days back...I realised cribbing over things doesn't take you anywhere,neither does it get you anything....so why crib???gawd!i'm getting really slow these days...it took days for this little fact to sink in.Duhhhhhhhhhh:P