this one emanates from sheer desperation.
not angst.this is too delicate to be wrathed upon.
angst doesnt happen when you have your back completely against the wall.
like now.
feeling very succumbing and giving-up-on-everything~ish.
like a battle lost,a day wasted.
and the entire pallette of things to have triggered this-uncountable...
and to find your voice so feeble and drowned in a cacophony of furore can feel so defeating.

even the end of the tunnel seems so bleak.

"And life goes on..."

i have seen my system goes miserably awry if a particular routine is suddeenly put to a halt.
it is awry right now.very unkempt and largely unoriented.
life for the past one week had been rather hectic and how!
getting up at half past six in the morning and still getting late for the morning show had been a custom.breakfast still in mouth,groggy faced running after the rickshaw will be much missed.
and yes!god bless the metro.for impunctual souls like yours truly,the machine is one godsent tin can!for someone to have caught the 9AM metro from tollygunje and yet to have sat pretty in the Rabindra Sadan auditorium at 9.15 is entirely incredulous,if you ask me.
but yes.thats what i did for the last few days.
for people who havent yet figured what i was upto,i am talking about the Calcutta Film Festival that happenned between the 10th and the 17th of this month.
lets just say,the "festival" didnt start on a very happy note what with 'buddhhijibis' and commoners all raising a great hue and cry over the bloody carnages at nandigram and "how on earth could they even think of organising a 'festival' at such time...?"
posters written impromptu and rallying and picketing happenned in front of Nandan.ironically people protesting against the government and demanding a withdrawal of the festival were mostly people who after being bailed out(yes,they were arrested)continued watching the films with the same gusto as us!
Oh and phones kept ringing throughout the film screenings.and sometimes people were audacious enough to even answer them informing the caller about his whereabouts..
"arreh!Nandane achhi.ha ha...flim dekhchhi..ha ha..flim festival cholchhe toh..ha ha..aro kotokhhon?(nudging the person next to him..achha dada kotokhhon cholbe?).."and so it went.ringtones and singtones of all kinds,interjected with occassional grunts and groans from fellow audiences.
and yes,two three major faux pas happenned.films got changed just like that without proper notice.this unprofessional stance of the festival authorities and this general tendency of belittling the audience infuriated me much.it was only after we had started watching a particular film taht we realised that its not what we had hoped to watch.
and i almost always had mashimas sitting next to me eloquently translating subtitles to thier corresponding colloquial.However,glares and vindictive guffaws did little to play down the tempo.
having said all that,i still dont have enough words to describe the sheer surge of emotion watching the films back to back,the sound of an alien dialect against your ear,the psychedelic play of colours before your eyes and a gamut of ideas wreaking havoc within you.its an ineffable feeling!
inspite of the motley crowds of people swarming all around you,the ambience helps you create your own niche under the sun.and the films can totally estrange you from everything that you are abound by.
lots of people were met,long discussions conjured,dreams dreamt and fantasies woven together.
having constantly heard foreign languages for consecutive days-words that held no significance unless corresponded by subtitles scrolling below,the words came to form a crude melody,something i got so attuned to,that watching an english film with no subtitles proved so jarring i got lost in incoherence.

on the whole,the experience has left me in a daze,and i can realise breaking free will prove hard task.